It Never Rains, by Kari Maaren
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These character profiles are relatively spoiler free; they relay basic information about the characters without revealing any SHOCKING TWISTS. I drew the characters in 2018, meaning that some of them--especially the ones who started as children--will not look quite as they did during their first appearances in the comic.


Full Name: Rose Margaret Malory

Date of Birth: August 16, 1998

She Is: Our hero

She Has: The best imagination ever, numerous bewildering ideas, an unwillingness to bow to the whims of The Man, far too many sisters

She Lacks: Impulse control

Avoid Her If: You do not like being profoundly, helplessly confused, trapped forever in a chaotic world that makes no sense as you hurtle, utterly without control, towards your inevitable hideous doom

A young woman stands with her left forefinger raised. She is wearing a light blue shirt and dark blue jeans, and she is holding a white cane. Her bright red hair is pulled back in a ponytail. Her blue eyes are wide and startled. She has fair skin.
Cartoon image: A young man stands in profile, with his left side in view. His left arm is bent at the elbow and his hand extended. He looks worried, and he is saying something. He has black hair, brown eyes, and medium-dark brown skin, and he is wearing a red shirt and light blue jeans. He is on the large size, both in height and in girth.Iz

Full Name: Israel Ariyaratna Keolanui

Date of Birth: November 23, 1998

He Is: Rose’s best friend, after a brief but exciting period as her chief bully

He Has: A yearning for adventure, a tendency towards physical violence, the ability to tell when Rose is lying, an amazing name

He Lacks: The ability to plan anything successfully

Avoid Him If: You do not want to be tripped, shoved, picked on, laughed at, or gifted with a fierce, undying loyalty


Full Name: That would be telling

Date of Birth: Also none of your business

She Is: A panhandler who hangs out on a particular street corner, selling her consulting skills for $1 a pop

She Has: Mysterious tendencies, the apparent ability to be in more than one place at once, seemingly problematic motives, a cool cardboard sign

She Lacks: Quite possibly a sense of common morality, though it’s hard to tell

Avoid Her If: You don’t want to get swept up in a twisty, epic, maddening adventure that will probably end in tears

A middle-aged woman in a grey hoodie and ragged blue jeans stands holding a folded up white cane in one hand and a pocket watch (showing the time 3:00) in the other. One strand of white hair is poking out from under her hood. She has blue eyes and fair skin, and she's solidly built. She smiles mysteriously.
A young woman scribbles furiously in a notebook. She has dark brown skin and curly black hair that falls down over her shoulders. She has glasses and is wearing a mauve shirt and grey pants.Jennifer

Full Name: Jennifer Meadow Smith

Date of Birth: September 20, 1997

She Is: Rose’s eldest stepsister and probably a mad scientist

She Has: A huge brain, a relentless thirst for knowledge, a bedroom that is also a laboratory, a slight air of eldritch intensity

She Lacks: A Nobel Prize (so far)

Avoid Her If: You are attached to your own stable relationship with the space-time continuum


Full Name: Joshua Reid

Date of Birth: December 24, 1998

He Is: One of Iz’s best friends

He Has: Perfectionism, anxiety, a need to do extraordinarily well in school, a deep suspicion of Rose

He Lacks: A sense of humour about math exams

Avoid Him If: You are feeling perfectly calm and relaxed and don’t want to be propelled inexorably into a state of teeth-clenching tension

A young man is standing with one hand clutching his chest and another holding a book. He has dark brown skin, brown eyes, and short, curly black hair, and he's wearing a dark green T-shirt and blue jeans. His eyes are wide open and his eyebrows up, and his mouth is slightly open.
A young woman with brown hair, brown eyes, and skin on the darker side of fair stands in profile with her hands in her pockets. She is slouching. She wears a baggy orange long-sleeved shirt, open at the front, over a green T-shirt and blue jeans. Her eyes are narrowed as she contemplates the problematic nature of reality.Jacqueline/Jack

Full Name: Jacqueline Lee (1998 - 2019); Jack Lee (2019 - )

Date of Birth: January 6, 1998

They Are: Rose’s worst enemy, except for when they're not

They Have: Terrible friends, prickliness, impatience with everything out of the ordinary, a microscope (briefly)

They Lack: Social skills, non-terrible friends

Avoid Them If: You want to feel good about yourself today


Full Name: Kristopher Ramsden

Date of Birth: April 10, 1995

He Is: The older brother of Jennifer’s former best friend, Kristi

He Has: A deeply creative mind, an unexpected talent for the hard sciences, a moral compass, a problem

He Lacks: The one solution he absolutely needs

Avoid Him If: You are enmeshed in a deeply unethical experiment and don’t want to be lectured about it

A large man with reddish-brown hair and a beard glances apprehensively to his left. He is gritting his teeth and gesturing left with his thumb. He has grey eyes, fair skin, and glasses, and he's wearing an aquamarine T-shirt and dark blue pants.
A young woman is making a note in a notebook. She has shoulder-length brown hair, green eyes, and fair skin, and she's wearing a purple T-shirt and a long black skirt.Kristi

Full Name: Kristi Ramsden

Date of Birth: May 1, 1997

She Is: Jennifer’s former best friend and Kris’s younger sister

She Has: A justified resentment of Jennifer, a knack for mystery solving, a determination so fierce that it frightens small children, a theory

She Lacks: The one piece of information she absolutely needs

Avoid Her If: You prefer not to be drawn into a bewildering web of conspiracies and cover-ups

Weird Beard

Full Name: Dr. Martin Raymond

Date of Birth: Classified

He Is: An eminent astrophysicist

He Has: Information, eccentricity, a weird beard, nothing to lose

He Lacks: Probably ingredients

Avoid Him If: You don’t want to be confused today

A man in his late sixties stands with his hands on his hips. He's bald but has a curly grey beard. His eyes are grey and his skin fair, and he's wearing glasses, a pink shirt, and brown trousers. He is smiling brightly.
A middle-aged but youthful-looking woman stands in profile, apparently expounding on some weighty subject while pointing at something in front of her with her right hand. Her hair is bright red and fairly short, and she has green eyes and fair skin. She is wearing glasses, a blue jacket, and blue jeans.Barbara

Full Name: Barbara Mickel

Date of Birth: January 12, 1977

She Is: Rose’s aunt

She Has: Former experience as someone trapped on the outskirts of what was essentially a twisted modern fairy tale, a stubborn certainty that nothing is ever what it seems, apparently bottomless pockets, a willing suspension of disbelief

She Lacks: Filters

Avoid Her If: You’re hoping for an ordinary day


Full Name: Claudia Mickel

Date of Birth: June 7, 1973

She Is: Rose’s mother

She Has: Way too many weird relatives, a fair amount of common sense, a tendency towards bluntness, a past as a teenage mean girl

She Lacks: A sense of direction

Avoid Her If: You got sent to the principal’s office at school today

A middle-aged woman with short ginger hair, blue eyes, and fair skin stands in place, smiling. She is wearing glasses, a dark red long-sleeved shirt, and grey pants.
A middle-aged woman wearing glasses, a mauve blouse, and blue slacks stands and smiles. She has black hair streaked with white, brown skin, and angular features.Radha

Full Name: Radha Mehra

Date of Birth: June 27, 1971

She Is: Rose’s stepmother and Claudia’s wife

She Has: The ability to be quiet when she has nothing to say, a tendency to become uncharacteristically angry when one of her daughters accidentally almost kills another, a lot of blouses, possibly a bit more knowledge about the strange things that happen around her than she lets on

She Lacks: Any ideas about what to do about Jennifer

Avoid Her If: You just blew a hole in your bedroom floor with science


Full Name: Denise Sarah Malory

Date of Birth: March 30, 2004

She Is: Rose’s sister

She Has: An immense contempt for the universe in general, a textbook case of middlechilditis, strong feelings about Pixar films, lots of snappy one-liners

She Lacks: A leather jacket, though she really wants one

Avoid Her If: You have just done something impossible, and you don’t want anyone else to know

A girl in her early teens glares back over her shoulder. She has curly brown hair in a small ponytail, blue eyes, and fair skin. She's dressed in tight black clothes.
A little girl in a frilly blue-green dress stands with her arms and legs askew. She has bright red braids, blue eyes, fair skin, glasses, and a great big smile on her face.Alex

Full Name: Alexandra Megan Malory

Date of Birth: January 24, 2009

She Is: Rose’s sister

She Has: Eternal optimism, a love of imaginative play involving dolls murdering dolls, a complete lack of any ambition whatsoever, great shoes

She Lacks: Fear

Avoid Her If: You don’t want to spend an hour explaining why Sadness is not the protagonist of Inside Out


Full Name: Clara Moonbeam Smith

Date of Birth: September 8, 2000

She Is: Rose’s stepsister and Rebecca’s twin

She Has: A healthy attitude of scepticism, a tendency to fade into the background, a fraying tolerance for her twin sister, a lot of hair

She Lacks: The ability to silence Rebecca

Avoid Her If: You are Rebecca and you want to talk about boys

A girl in her late teens looks apprehensively behind her. She has long, straight black hair, a prominent nose, brown eyes, and brown skin. She's wearing a green T-shirt and blue jeans.
A girl in her late teens stands with one hand on her hip. She has shoulder-length black hair, brown eyes, brown skin, and a long nose, and she is smiling. She is dressed in a bright yellow tunic over a pink jumpsuit.Rebecca

Full Name: Rebecca Sunrise Smith

Date of Birth: September 8, 2000

She Is: Rose’s stepsister and Clara’s twin

She Has: a bubbly demeanor, a love of bright colours, sparkly pink notepaper, a chainsaw

She Lacks: Restraint

Avoid Her If: You are not in the mood for gushing


Full Name: Timothy Michael Jerome McKee

Date of Birth: February 2, 1998

He Is: One of Iz’s best friends

He Has: Brains, a sense of inner calm, a wee beard and ponytail (as of 2018), a conscience

He Lacks: The ability to make Josh chill

Avoid Him If: You cannot help but critique his facial hair

A young man stands in profile, his arms crossed. He has light brown hair pulled back in a ponytail, a small beard, grey eyes, and fair skin. He's wearing glasses, a brown shirt, and darker brown pants. He is smiling.
A seemingly young man in dark green slacks, a light green shirt, and a striped green and white tie stands casually, one hand in his pocket and another holding a cane. He has golden hair, blue eyes, fair skin, and the kind of smile that would alarm the world's most accomplished con artist.Casey

Full Name: Unclear, but let’s go with “Casey Mulligan” for now

Date of Birth: A mystery for the ages

He Is: *Shrugs helplessly*

He Has: A love of doughnuts, a diabolical smile, an attraction to nonsense, a roommate

He Lacks: Standards

Avoid Him If: "If"?


Full Name: Michelle Young

Date of Birth: August 1, 1998

She Is: Jacqueline’s ex-best friend

She Has: Bullying tendencies, bullying tendencies, bullying tendencies, bullying tendencies

She Lacks: Depth

Avoid Her If: You are Jennifer, Rose, or virtually anyone else

A young woman with dyed blonde hair and heavy makeup stands with a hand on her hip. She has hazel eyes and tanned skin, and she's wearing a dark red shoes, pink pants, and red high-heeled boots.
A woman and man in their thirties stand together. The woman is wearing a doctor's white coat and has a stethoscope draped around her neck. She has medium-length black hair, brown eyes, light brown skin, glasses, and a mischievous expression. The man is very slightly taller than the woman. He has black hair, brown eyes, brown skin, and glasses, and he's smiling. He is dressed in a lawyer's gown.Elisa and Athar

Full Names: Dr. Elisa Chan and Athar Malik

Dates of Birth: If they told you, they would have to kill you

They Are: Friends of Barbara’s

They Have: A small child, a tendency to banter, a willingness to embrace the improbable, graduate degrees

They Lack: Nothing

Avoid Them If: People who finish each other’s sentences make you uncomfortable


Full Name: Farah Mohammed

Date of Birth: May 2, 1997

She Is: A former high-school classmate of Jennifer’s; currently on a university newspaper with Rose

She Has: A sharp tongue, a spirit of experimentation, a (mostly) hidden love of mischief, good boots

She Lacks: Patience with Ellen

Avoid Her If: You don’t want to duel verbally with the reincarnation of William Shakespeare

A young woman walks along, looking sidelong at the viewer. Her hair is hidden beneath a dark green headscarf; she's also wearing a light green dress over dark green trousers. She has glasses. Her eyes are dark brown and her skin brown.
A young woman with dyed crimson hair, brown eyes, light brown skin, a purple shirt and shoes, and mauve pants stands in profile, her hands raised. She is glaring at someone.Ellen

Full Name: Ellen Sing

Date of Birth: June 16, 1996

She Is: Editor-in-chief of a U of T student newspaper

She Has: Very definite ideas, plenty of enthusiasm, a passion for hair dye, blinders on

She Lacks: Tact

Avoid Her If: You do not fit her idea of who you are


Full Name: He would rather you not ask

Date of Birth: Ditto

He Is: Casey’s roommate

He Has: Taciturnity, a tendency to panic, a deep cynicism about everything, a sister

He Lacks: Optimism

Avoid Him If: You are really attached to your clothes

A young man stands in place, looking rather fed up with the universe in general. He has short black hair, brown eyes, and skin that walks the line between fair and brown. He is wearing glasses, a light blue shirt, and grey slacks.
A man in his fifties or sixties stands scowling and writing on a piece of paper. He is mostly bald but has tufts of grey hair above his ears. He has brown eyes and fair skin and is wearing a yellow shirt, a green tie, and brown trousers.Dr. Clarke

Full Name: Dr. Malcolm Clarke

Date of Birth: Why are you asking so many questions, young lady?

He Is: A physics professor

He Has: Sexism, ableism, an office, two jobs

He Lacks: Empathy

Avoid Him If: You are not a straight white able-bodied male

Content copyright Kari Maaren 2018
Images copyright Kari Maaren 2018